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Doctor jokes
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#1
Tongue 
doctor : what seems to be your trouble?
patient : when i get up i feel dizzy for one hour.
doctor: try getting up one hour later.

doctor (to the patient) : did i not give you the medicine yesterday? did you take it?
patient : yes, sir. but i did not drink it.
doctor: why?
patient : (pointing to the bottle) : because it is written on the label : close the cork tightly and keep it in a cool place.

dentist (to the patient) : for god’s sake, stop making those noises and waving your arms. i haven’t even touched your tooth yet.
patient : yes, i know. but’re standing on my foot.

doctors son : well, dad, now that i am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines of success.
doctor father : always, write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly.

doctor: yes, what is it i can do for you?
patient : doctor, yesterday, when i was doing my yoga, one of my friends told me that if i did this particular exercise, all my body’s blood would go into my head. but, when i stand, why doesn’t anyone say that all the blood would go into the legs?
doctor : the fact’s your legs are not that hollow as your head is.

doctor: mr. kishan, you look exhausted.
kishan : i am. when your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that i have to come today for a blood test, i spent the whole night studying for it.

doctor : liquor is a slow poison for you.
patient : it’s all-right. i’m not in a hurry.

patient : may i have a glass of water, doctor.
doctor : are you thirsty?
patient : no i just wanted to check whether my throat leaks?

patient : how much do you charge for extracting a tooth?
doctor : fifty rupees.
patient : fifty ruppes, for only a few second’s work?

doctor : well, i will do it very slowly.
patient: how much is for the operation?
doctor: rupees on thousand.
patient: but it was a serious one.
doctor: nonsense. you can’t buy a serious operation for rupees one thousand now-a days.

mohan : (to the doctor) : doctor, can you diagnose my illness?
doctor : your eyesight seems to be poor.
mohan : how did you come to that conclusion?
doctor: you seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. this is a veterinary hospital.

the doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, “ i cannot hide the fact that your are very ill, my man. is there any one you would like to see?”.
“yes,” replied the patient faintly, “another doctor:

a patient : doctor, i don’t feel hungry after taking meal.
doctor : really, your condition is very serious. wait a bit.
(after sometime, the doctor holds out some medicines).
doctor : take these pills. you take one pill after your sleep and another one before you get-up.

patient : doctor, i can’t sleep.
doctor : lie at of edge of your bed and you will sleep off.

patient : i have spent 80% of my life’s savings on doctors.
doctor : why didn’t you come to me earlier?
patient: doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. what can i do?
doctor: use a pencil till i come to see your son.
patient : doctor: i feel there are two of me.
doctor : very well, i shall see you, one at a time.

patient : i think i am a slice of bread.
doctor: you will have to stop loafing around.

beggar: please help me. i’ve lost my vision.
little boy: go and get a doctor’s certificate from an oculist.

doctor (to a patient): sorry gentlement, your end’s near. what is your last wish?
patient: i want to consult another doctor.

romi : (to the doctor) : doctor, doctor, my sister thinks that she is a lift.
doctor : tell her to come in.
romi : i cannot
doctor : why so?
romi : because she does not stop at this floor.

a fat lady : “to a health expert). give me some advice that can reduce my fatness.
health expert : okay. you must move your head to the right and the left at a particular time.
fat lady: at which particular time?
health expert : whenever anybody asks you to eat.

doctor (to an absent-minded patient) : what is wrong with you?
patient : i am losing my memory. please prescribe some medicine.
doctor (handing him the prescription after a while) : here, take this.
patient : why are you giving me this prescription? i am perfectly all right.
a patient : doctor, i feel like a car.
the doctor : just park yourself over there.

doctor (to a patient) : you must take four tea-spoonfuls of this medicine before every meal.
patient: doctor, we’ve only 3 spoons at home.

patient : doctor, i feel like a needle.
doctor : yes, i see your point.

doctor (to a patient) : i am sorry to tell you that you have rabies and it is fatal.
patient : doctor, please give me a paper and pencil.
doctor : do you want to make your will?
patient : no. i want to make a list of people i want to bite.

patient : doctor, i have only got fifty-nine seconds to live for.
doctor : wait a minute, please.
patient : doctor, how much will you charge for extracting tow of my front teeth?
doctor : fifty rupees.

patient to doctor: on the top of your prescription these words are printed: we treat; god cures. if so, would i give the fee to you or shall i send it to god?
doctor: pay me. i will send it.

doctor : did you benefit from my advice?
patient : yes but not to the same extent as you did.

doctor : the cheque you gave me has come back.
patient : my fever has also come back.

patient : tell me how i can repay you for all your kindness.
doctor : you can pay by cash, cheque or money order.

patient: are you sure that you can do this operation safely?
doctor : that is what i want to find out myself.

doctor : you may live only for another half an hour. would you like to see any one?
patient : i would like to see another doctor.
surgeon to a patient in operation theatre: why are you afraid?
patient : yes. you are here and you will be here. but will i be here?
surgeon to patient: why are you nervous?
patient: because this is the first item i am going to have an operation.
doctor: but i am not nervous though this is going to be my first operation.

patient : doctor, i am feeling much better now. please give me your bill.
doctor : be calm. you are not strong enough for this yet.

patient : i am sorry to call you to my house so far away from your chamber at this time of night.
doctor : don’t worry. i have another patient near here. so i can kill two birds with one stone.


woman patient : doctor i was suffering so much that i wanted to die.
doctor : you did the right thing to call me.

a patient to his friend : i am taking rest cure.
friend : what do you do?
patient : i sit every day for three hours in the waiting room of a very busy doctor.


doctor to woman patient : your husband is too fond of strong coffee. you should not give it to him.
patient : but you should see how excited he gets when i give him weak coffee.

doctor : you have trouble with your throat? have you ever gargled with salt water?
patient : yes. in last summer, i was almost drowned while swimming.

doctor to woman : what is the matter about your husband?
woman : he is worrying about money.
doctor : i think i can relieve him of that.

patient to friend : i saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory.
friend : what did he do?
patient : he made me pay him in advance.

doctor : tell your wife not to worry about the slight deafness it is only an indication of old age.
husband : doctor, would you yourself please tell this to her?

patient : doctor, do you think that i shall live until i am ninety?
doctor : how old are you now?
patient : do you drink, gamble, smoke or do you have any other vice?
patient : no. i don’t drink. i don’t gamble. i don’t smoke. i have no vice.
doctor : then why do you want to live for another fifty years?


a doctor was called to attend a man who was showing signs of mental disturbance. he diagnosed the case as being one of brain fag.

doctor to the wife of the patient : this man is in a serious condition. you should have called me earlier.
wife : but when he was in his right condition, he would not consult a doctor.
doctor : you cough more easily this morning.

patient : this is not surprising . i was practicing all right.
doctor : i can do nothing for your complaint. it is hereditary.

patient : then send the bill to my father.
patient : what are the chances of my recovery?


patient : i need something to stir me up – something to put me in a fighting form. have you put anything like that in the prescription?
doctor : no. you will find it in the prescription.

patient : doctor, i want to thank you for your great medicine.
the doctor was very much pleased. he asked : did it really help you?
patient : it helped me wonderfully.

doctor : how many bottled did you find it necessary to take?
patient : i did not take any of it. my uncle took one bottle and i am his sole heir.

patient : doctor, i have to ask a personal question, if you don’t mind. why do you charge fees much lower than other doctors?
doctor : you see, i am an m.b.b.s. i am only a b.sc.

dr b.c. roy, an eminent physician and also former chief minister of west bengal, gave this advice to patients: if you fall sick, consult a doctor because he must live. if doctor prescribes medicine, buy it because the owner of medical shop must live. but don’t take the medicine because you must live.



doctor to patient : don’t worry about your heart. if will function as long as you live.
a man with a bad rash on his hands went to his doctor.
the latter examined his hands carefully for sometime and consulted many large volumes on his shelves. finally, he asked the patient : have you had this trouble before?
he answered: yes.
doctor said : you have again got it.

a man with pain on his right knee consulted his doctor.
doctor said : it is nothing to worry about. it is due to old age.
patient : the left knee is of the same age. but how is it that that leg does not pain?
doctor : you have cataract in your eyes. but you need not worry it is hereditary.
patient : death is also hereditary. does it mean we should not worry about it?
கந்தல் ஆனாலும் தாய் மடி போல் ஒரு சுகம் வருமா.....வருமா...
சொர்க்கம் சென்றாலும் சொந்த ஊர் போல் சுதந்திரம் வருமா.... வருமா ...
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