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The jokes thread
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#1
Hey friends just thought that everybody needs a break. so i created this thread particularly for jokes.

Ok! here are some Jokes I know:

Big John doesn't pay
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route.

No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.

He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

The driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek... Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened -Big John got on again, said "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down.

And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth.

This irritated the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of his size.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building program, karate, judo and all that good stuff.

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; So on the next Monday, when Big John got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" the driver stood up, glared back and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a Bus pass ."

Moral: First be sure is there a problem before working hard to solve one


Driver
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question
and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver
screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus,
drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches
from a large plate glass window. For a few moments
everything was silent in the cab. Then the still
shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you
scared the daylights out of me." The frightened
passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could
frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's all my
fault. Today is my first day driving a cab... for the
last 25 years I've been driving a hearse.

HIV
Patient: Doctor have I got HIV ?
Doctor: `fraid so.
Patient: Are you positive ?
Doctor : No,you are.

April fool
There is a little blind girl. One night says to her mother "Mom, I don't want to be blind anymore" The mom says "well honey, tommorow is a special day. If you pray really hard, when you wake up you won't be blind."

The girl is very excited show goes to bed extra early, and prays really hard. She falls alseep praying.

When she wakes up she is so excited she doesn't open her eyes, she runs down stairs (she's blind, she's good at running with her eyes closed) and says "mommy, I'm getting ready to open my eyes and see"

She opens here eyes, and says "mommy I can't see!" The mom says "I know, April Fools!"
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#2
Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll down...you'll love this ....
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'You got Male!'
Never argue with a woman who reads

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, ( thinking, 'Isn't that obvious ? ')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies ,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again, 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault ,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the quipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL : Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

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#3
Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication
engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had
never heard of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an
admission into it ..
What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in
12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college.
But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I can not
invest so much of money".(The baap actually said - "I
will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this
college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be
related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete
your engineering.
Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But
you know, these cricket matches and football
world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate.
So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took
4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I
will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good,
thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think
they should ban it.

Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be
banned.
Candidate: No, no... I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never
thought I would complete it. In fact, when i
flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus
corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative.

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower'
education itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms
have you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my
current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have
experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet
in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a
higher version than VB. I heard very soon they
are coming up with a new language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the
language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of th! e
times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd.
Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining
BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know
Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to
dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And
very important - I know few words like -
'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes',
'SEI-CMM','quality' ,'versioncontrol ','deadlines' , 'Customer
Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not
have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear
t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so
as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term
preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer
US, Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that there is Olympics coming up in
China in the current year, I don't mind
going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don't
have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our
organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to INFOSYS.

The fellow was appointed in a newly created section 'Stress Management' in the HRD of Infosys.
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#4
Andu Rama Billu Muridadakke Seethe odi bandlu, Krishna Kolal udidakke Radhe odi bandlu,but nanu bari kannu hodedidakke 1 hudgi avarappana karkond bandlu. :mdr::mdr:
Sardar married a girl n invitd everybody except his parentS
Frnd:y u didnt call ur parents?
Sardar:its a revenge coz dey didnt invite me 4 their marriage...:jump::jump:
Andu Rama Billu Muridadakke Seethe odi bandlu, Krishna Kolal udidakke Radhe odi bandlu,but nanu bari kannu hodedidakke 1 hudgi avarappana karkond bandlu. :oooh no::oooh no:
Next yr PAK wil start PPLConfusedadness:

Team

Lahore
Terrorists:aggressive1:

Karachi BombrsConfusedtoned:

Multan Murderers:hysterical:

Islamabad HijackersCry

Rawalpindi Drugers:crashed:
Hendthi- ree pakkada maneli yeno galate. Hogi banni.
Ganda- nanu ninne ratri hogi bandidakke galate naditirodu, mathe ega hodre.... Aste.:oooh no::oooh no:
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#5
PRINCIPAL AND SARDAR:
PRINCIPAL IF A BOY GOES TO GIRLS HOSTEL:
RS.100 FINE FOR THE FIRST TIME...
RS.200 FOR THE SECOND TIME...
RS.500 FOR THE THIRD TIME..
SARDAR : HOW MUCH FOR A MONTHLY PASS??????

Inter View
One young man went for an IAS Interview.

"When did India get independence?" He was asked.

"The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947" He replied.

"Who was responsible for our independence?"

"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one, it will be a injustice to another." He replied.

"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?"

"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainly only after seeing the report" He replied.

The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions.

When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent Santa would not leave him. "At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged.

Then it was the turn of this Santa. When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him." By the way, what is your date of birth?"

He replied, "The effort began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947."

Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification. "What is your fathers name?"

He replied, "There were so many. Whom to mention". If I name one, it will be injustice to another".

The interviewer was incensed.

"Hey! Are you mad or what?"

He replied. "Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report."

Telling Lie
Internal Test was going in college.
4 guys instead of reading they fully boosed previuos night. And in next morning they wake up late and told to lecturer that they gone to their native while coming back their car tyre got punctured. Lecturer given them a chance to appear the test next monday.

Whole week they read all the chapters and prepared for the test. In the test they were asked to sit in different class room to write for the exam. And not allowed to talk with any body and even in the cell phone.

Test Questions were only 2

Q 1. What is your name ? Marks 2
Q 2. Which tyre of your Car got punctured.? Marks 98

Test
one boy went to test.
When he came home his mom said - how was the test?He said - the questions were very easy but the answer were hard.

IIM Questions
Question and the Answer given by Candidates oh sorry
they are IAS Officers now.

Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor
without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC
Topper)

Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how
long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank
Opted for IFS)

Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand
and four apples and three oranges in the other hand,
what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for
IPS)

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find ! an
elephant with one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs , He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it
will become?
A. It will get Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS
Rank 2)

Q. What looks like half apple ?
A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A : Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A : It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid (UPSC 33Rank )

Interviewer said "I shall either ask you ten easy
questions or one really difficult question.

Think well before you make up your mind!" The boy
thought for a while and said, "my choice is one really difficult
question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own
choice! Now tell me this. "What comes first, Day or
Night?"

The boy was jolted into reality as his admission
depends on the correctness of his answer,
but he thought for a while and said,
"It's the DAY sir!"

"How" the interviewer asked,

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a
SECOND difficult question!"

He was selected for IIM!

"Technical Skill is the mastery of complexity, while
Creativity is the master of simplicity"
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#6
A funny Microsoft man

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said,Â*
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
கந்தல் ஆனாலும் தாய் மடி போல் ஒரு சுகம் வருமா.....வருமா...
சொர்க்கம் சென்றாலும் சொந்த ஊர் போல் சுதந்திரம் வருமா.... வருமா ...
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#7
Video 
Kunwaro Se Log Puchte Hain Ki Tumhari Aab Tak Shaadi Kyon Nahi Huwi?
Kunware Bhi Jorse Kehte Hai Ki JAKO RAKHE SAYIAN TAKO MAAR SAKE NA KOI
:happy: :jump:
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#8
(05-27-2009, 12:08 PM)Arjun Wrote: Kunwaro Se Log Puchte Hain Ki Tumhari Aab Tak Shaadi Kyon Nahi Huwi?
Kunware Bhi Jorse Kehte Hai Ki JAKO RAKHE SAYIAN TAKO MAAR SAKE NA KOI
:happy: :jump:

Could you please post in English....
கந்தல் ஆனாலும் தாய் மடி போல் ஒரு சுகம் வருமா.....வருமா...
சொர்க்கம் சென்றாலும் சொந்த ஊர் போல் சுதந்திரம் வருமா.... வருமா ...
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#9
Rainbow 
BRUCE LEE Favourites Vegetables-MU LEE Breakfast-ID LEE Festival-DIWALEE Music-QAWA LEE Film-COO LEE Animal-BIL LEE Time Pass-KHUJ LEE:happy::oooh no:
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#10
Video 
Money Can Buy House but Not Home Bed but Not Sleep Medicine but Not Health Money is Dirty it only Causes Pain & Sufferings then Send Ur Money & Be Happy :omg: :jump: :crashed:
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